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Post by cster on Oct 19, 2016 16:50:17 GMT 10
Had a mate called Wombat, we named him that cause he would visit the sheila's but would not stay. wombat - Australian - eats roots and leaves
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Post by red750 on Oct 21, 2016 6:57:01 GMT 10
Murphy goes to his friend Pat and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?" Pat doesn't like it but being Murphy's long-time friend, he agrees. After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to. Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied." The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago." !!
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Post by red750 on Oct 21, 2016 10:29:32 GMT 10
Pest Control A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
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Post by cster on Oct 21, 2016 16:50:32 GMT 10
Ha ha I was half expecting him to say you're standing on them.
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Post by red750 on Nov 8, 2016 17:09:07 GMT 10
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they’re not laughing now
I fear for the calendar, it’s days are numbered.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace.
Did you hear that after the rap artist 50cent wasn’t allowed into Australia he toured Zimbabwe under a different name? 40 Million Dollars.
So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill”
Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”. The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, “WHOA, a talking muffin!”
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey
“I hate Oyings.” “what is an Oying?” “well this joke for starters!!!”
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Post by cster on Nov 8, 2016 17:18:25 GMT 10
Good stuff Pete, love the Atheism quote. deep.
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Post by ducati on Nov 9, 2016 5:09:25 GMT 10
Good stuff Pete, love the................quote. deep.
Ducati
PSS.Pete, I "arranged/inserted the dots, to allow YOU to choose/write/mention ANY of the quotes of ANY of your posts. Any time and I do mean ANY time, that you need ANY compliment on ANY of your posts, let me know and I will oblige.....WE are ALL Members of the same Senior Citizens Brigade!!! I love DEEP quotes....as long as there are "barricades" and warning signs to minimize the chances of little children/Senior Citizens falling into the.....DEEP Meaning of the posts!!
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Post by red750 on Nov 13, 2016 18:54:49 GMT 10
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.......they're not laughing now.
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Post by cster on Nov 14, 2016 8:15:26 GMT 10
That'll teach em Pete. I recall wanting to be a comedian, they didn't laugh then and they probably don't laugh now. However Hoges is a different kettle of fish.
P.S.S. don't use that kettle again for tea OK?
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Post by red750 on Nov 30, 2016 14:56:39 GMT 10
F####ing fuming!!!! Just got home to find all of my windows open! They've taken everything Dirty rotten thieving b*stards you wait until I find you!!! How can people just think they can take what ever they want?? That was my advent calendar and you had no right to open the windows and steal all of my chocolate!!
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Post by madametarot on Nov 30, 2016 16:27:21 GMT 10
F####ing fuming!!!! Just got home to find all of my windows open! They've taken everything Dirty rotten thieving b*stards you wait until I find you!!! How can people just think they can take what ever they want?? That was my advent calendar and you had no right to open the windows and steal all of my chocolate!! A sneak choc nicker - the open window could be a red herring. err was that an event calendar.
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Post by cster on Dec 1, 2016 16:08:50 GMT 10
Could I have that again in English please??? THEY BROKE IN AND STOLE YOUR CHOCOLATE ADVENT CALENDAR!!!!!!!! Was it Cadbury or Haigh's, maybe Crisco. Why are all the windows open? ?
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Post by red750 on Dec 1, 2016 19:04:18 GMT 10
It would appear that you have no idea what an advent calendar is, although as religion deniers that's understandable. The 24 days before Christmas is known as Advent. An advent calendar comes in various shapes and has 24 windows, one for each day of advent. You open one window per day to count down to Christmas. A chocolate treat is hidden behind each window. The joke may now make sense to you. Attachment Deleted Attachment Deleted
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Post by madametarot on Dec 1, 2016 19:12:49 GMT 10
It would appear that you have no idea what an advent calendar is, although as religion deniers that's understandable. The 24 days before Christmas is known as Advent. An advent calendar comes in various shapes and has 24 windows, one for each day of advent. You open one window per day to count down to Christmas. A chocolate treat is hidden behind each window. The joke may now make sense to you. Err yes hilarious.
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Post by epictetus on Dec 1, 2016 21:26:28 GMT 10
THE JEWISH GENIE
An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that even his camel died of thirst.
He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that it was a Manischewitz wine bottle.
It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top and out popped a genie.
BUT this was no ordinary Genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi, Complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.
'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.'
'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!'
'Vott you got to lose? Looks at me - you're a goner anyvay!'
The Arab thought about this for a minute and decided that The genie was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'
* * * * * * * P O O F! * * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'
'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
* * * * * * * P O O F!* * * * * * * * *
The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems.
'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Best you should make it a good vone!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, Beautiful women will always need and want me!'
* * * * * * * P O O F! * * * * * * * * *
He was turned into a tampon.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's bound to be a string attached.
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Post by epictetus on Dec 2, 2016 10:23:48 GMT 10
Don't think this will survive the Forum censor. If it doesn't, go to the link at
https://www.reddit.com/r/australia/comments/2xjuij/joke_chinese_man_decides_to_move_to_australia/
Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region . He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens . Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says , "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry mate, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs." "What do you mean mate," says the Aussie. "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me," replied the Chinese man. "He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull shit."
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Post by epictetus on Dec 2, 2016 10:25:03 GMT 10
No need to go to the link after all.
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Post by cster on Dec 2, 2016 15:16:26 GMT 10
It would appear that you have no idea what an advent calendar is, although as religion deniers that's understandable. The 24 days before Christmas is known as Advent. An advent calendar comes in various shapes and has 24 windows, one for each day of advent. You open one window per day to count down to Christmas. A chocolate treat is hidden behind each window. The joke may now make sense to you. Now that last line makes sense, ha ha. Must have been too poor to be accorded one of those when I was a kid. Opened all my windows, sheesh.
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Post by ducati on Dec 2, 2016 19:44:18 GMT 10
Good everything Red!! +++F####ing fuming!!!! Just got home to find all of my windows open!+++ Did you check if they have burned a few thousands of your aircrafts pictures collection? No worries, you MUST have another 12 thousands stashed away in a time-skip!! Ducati
PSS. Do NOT forget to NOT re-use this story of this sad happening....next Thursday or next March (2018-2019) or April!!!
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Post by red750 on Dec 4, 2016 7:19:50 GMT 10
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Post by cster on Dec 4, 2016 18:23:19 GMT 10
Was this consumerism taught in church? I must have missed that day. 24 days of Xmas 24 cans to a carton, cant be coincidence can it. I have heard of the 12 days of Xmas as a song, but this advent stuff missed it completely. Now about those missing 24 chocolates, is this how you've consoled yourself Pete.
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Post by donte on Dec 4, 2016 18:56:12 GMT 10
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Post by epictetus on Dec 4, 2016 21:37:37 GMT 10
Was this consumerism taught in church? I must have missed that day. 24 days of Xmas 24 cans to a carton, cant be coincidence can it. I have heard of the 12 days of Xmas as a song, but this advent stuff missed it completely. Now about those missing 24 chocolates, is this how you've consoled yourself Pete. Christmas starts at 00.0001 hrs on the 25th December and continues to 23.5999 hrs on the 6th January. The 6th of January is Epiphany, the Feast of the Magi. Advent begins on the fourth Sunday before Christmas Day. In 2016 this was 27 November. It is a season of expectation and preparation for the birth of the Christ child. I haven't seen an Advent calendar for a long time, but in 2016 there are 28 days of Advent, not 24, so 28 windows and no occult connection to the number of cans in a carton. Sorry.
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Post by ducati on Dec 5, 2016 5:06:47 GMT 10
...
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Post by cster on Dec 5, 2016 7:02:18 GMT 10
Was this consumerism taught in church? I must have missed that day. 24 days of Xmas 24 cans to a carton, cant be coincidence can it. I have heard of the 12 days of Xmas as a song, but this advent stuff missed it completely. Now about those missing 24 chocolates, is this how you've consoled yourself Pete. Christmas starts at 00.0001 hrs on the 25th December and continues to 23.5999 hrs on the 6th January. The 6th of January is Epiphany, the Feast of the Magi. Advent begins on the fourth Sunday before Christmas Day. In 2016 this was 27 November. It is a season of expectation and preparation for the birth of the Christ child. I haven't seen an Advent calendar for a long time, but in 2016 there are 28 days of Advent, not 24, so 28 windows and no occult connection to the number of cans in a carton. Sorry. Hmmm must of glazed over that back in the day. Lucky we have cartons these days that hold 30cans, no wait don't tell me that why they do that. The season of expectation. I do seem to have forgotten a lot. Cheers Epic, is good to know.
Ducati, you've done good today, thanks for the laughs. I read, I wonder what, I collapse when I finally get it. Taa
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Post by epictetus on Dec 5, 2016 11:44:49 GMT 10
Good Everything to "YOUSE" Senior Citizens!! Hard times are heading our way... more and more and more difficult to keep OUR Senior Citizens Forum inflated! Is the ADVENT of worse SOMETHING to come!?!?!? ADVENT: /ad'vent/ n. The prototypical computer and Biblical adventure game, first implemented on the PDP-10 by Saint Paul the Electrician as an attempt at computerrefereed the fantasy Novo Testamentoso and expanded into a puzzle-oriented game by Procace Madonna. Now better known as Adventure, but the TOPS-10 operating system permitted only 6- letter filenames. See also vadding. This game defined the terse, dryly humorous style now expected in text adventure games, and popularized several tag lines that have become fixtures of hacker-speak: "A huge green fierce snake bars the way!" "I see no X here" (for some noun X). "You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike." "You are in a little maze of twisty passages, all different." The `magic words' xyzzy and plugh also derive from this game. Croster, by the way, participated in the exploration of the Mammoth & Flint Ridge river system; it actually *has* a `Colossal Cave' and a `Bedquilt' as in the game, and the `Y2' that also turns up is cavers' jargon for a map reference to a second Mac Donald Big Burger!! They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they’re not laughing now I fear for the calendar, it’s days are numbered. There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation. Atheism is a non-profit organisation. Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace with my pants singed. Did you hear that after the rap artist 50cent wasn’t allowed into Australia he toured Zimbabwe under a different name? 40 Million Dollars. So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill” Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”. The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, “WHOA, a talking muffin! It was terrible advent all this opening shutting of doors and the raising/lowering of unrolling roller shutters unwilling to roll!! Don’t be...something!! Produce/increase your OUT...PUT...fill the BALLOON/ TIME SKIP!!! To keep it...UP THERE!!! More hot air MUST be produced..NOW!! Ducati PSS. I am aware it is a lot on nonsense...but I feel that I have “discharged my duties”!!! Sorry about the...smell!! Wow! Apre moi le deluge. What a blockbuster! Pure genius. Totally pointless, but what a lot of fun for writer and reader. Happy Advent, Ducati.
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Post by cster on Dec 7, 2016 9:11:11 GMT 10
What does a cat and a comma have in common? A cat has claws at the end of its paws A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
I was supposed to learn that some time ago, still haven't implemented it yet.
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Post by madametarot on Dec 7, 2016 10:02:10 GMT 10
What does a cat and a comma have in common? A cat has claws at the end of its paws A comma is a pause at the end of a clause. I was supposed to learn that some time ago, still haven't implemented it yet. A cat's bum-hole and tail can look like a comma, if that helps.
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Post by cster on Dec 8, 2016 7:28:52 GMT 10
LOL OK I'm sure that will ahem entail I have some recollection of it Col. ha ha
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Post by red750 on Dec 8, 2016 18:05:38 GMT 10
Some more Dad's jokes.
The sign said ties must be worn. All mine are near new.
I've decided to sell my dead budgie. But I'm warning you, it won't go cheap.
I was just watching a news report on some local floods here with film of women crying, and I thought to myself, you're not helping .....
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, . . .'No change yet.'
It was sooooooo cold here this morning,. . . that I saw a man from our local tax office walking around with his hands in his own pockets. . . .
I fired my masseuse today. . . . She just rubbed me up the wrong way.
Ninety eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.
....(Goes to get coat.)
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