Quickies

[red750]

I can't stand people who won't admit their faults, I would if I had any !

If I told you once then I've told you a thousand times don't exaggerate !

I've given up weighing myself. I can't read the scale without my spectacles, and we all know how heavy specs are.

Now have you all had your say ?   I hate people who always want the last say !

5 things I hate:

    1.Vandalism
    2.lists
    3.irony
    4.people who can't count

[cster]

LOL 5 things Pete. I have stopped weighing myself too, every time I step back to get a better view the scales say zero, go figure. say!

[Turtle]

They say I snore, but I stayed up all night once and heard nuffin.

[red750]

If Donald Trump wins the election, it will be the first time in history that a billionaire has moved into public housing, that was vacated specially for him by a black family!

[red750]

Q: What do you call a swimmer with no arms and no legs?

A: Bob.

[red750]

Two Rabbits are running from a group of foxes.

They hide in a pile of hay, one rabbit says to the other one:

“Ok we can run for it or we can stay here and outnumber them.”

And the other rabbit says, “We’re going to run for it you idiot, I’m your brother.”

[red750]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar"

[red750]

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

- - - - - - - - -
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

[red750]

Joke deleted because autocorrect kept changing a word, which negated the punchline. Guess I'll have to email it.

Peter.

[red750]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet, who found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
She went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
As she paid, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
She said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion
for a couple of days."
She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.

[red750]

A homeowner calls the police.
"My house has been robbed by a gay burglar."
Police Officer: "How do you know he's gay?"
Homeowner: "The furniture has been rearranged and it looks fantastic."

[red750]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar ...

The Bartender says; "This is a joke isn't it?" .....

[red750]

My wife has days when she wants us to "talk about things.” We were discussing aspects of our future so when it was my turn I asked her: "What will you do if I die before you do?

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then she asked me, "What will you do if I die first?"

I replied, "Probably the same thing."

That's when the fight started.

[red750]

Channel 7 news just said that combining meditation with exercise can help fight depression. I agree. I often sit and think about exercise.

[red750]

Warning to all my friends who smoke

Friend just filled the car up with petrol and didn't realise he spilt some on his sleeve.

Going down the motorway lit a cigarette and to his dismay his sleeve burst into flames.

Opened the window and stuck his arm out trying to blow out the flames; police stopped him immediately.

They are now doing him for having an unlicensed firearm . . .

[cster]

They are all good ones Pete. taa

[red750]

OLYMPICS JOKE

Husband says to wife;

"My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

Wife says;

"Why not wear Silver, and come second for a change??"

[cster]

Ha Ha, what a novel idea.

[red750]

A husband and wife are having a friendly debate one night, centered on the topic of who has better friends. They each offer a wide variety of anecdotes and stories, but in the end, they decide to put it to the test.



"Here's what we'll do," the wife suggests. "I'll call your friends, and you call mine. We'll both pretend that the other person hasn't come home yet, and that we're worried. Whoever's friends give the best advice about where to find us clearly know us better, and therefore are better."



The husband agrees to the game, and they both head off into separate rooms. When they reconvene a half an hour later, the husband looks defeated.



"Well, honey," he says, "I think it's pretty clear that you have better friends. Every one of them listed each of your favorite restaurants, salons, shops, and art galleries, and they had phone numbers for each of them. They knew your work hours by heart, your office extension, your boss's name, and even the route that you take home."



The wife shakes her head. "No, dear," she replies, "you have better friends."



"Why do you say that?" asks the husband.



"Well," the wife replies, "most of them said that you'd been at their place, and three of them said that you were still there."

[cster]

Yep we've been trained if we don't know that to say start lying on your mates behalf. What are mates for Hey?

[red750]

Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just too scratchy.”

[red750]

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.

-------------------

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping'. Now I just 'chunky dunk'.

-------------------

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

-------------------

Life is like a toilet roll, the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Peter.

[cster]

LOL great work Pete, Number 3 rings true to form hey.

[red750]

The Welshman.



One day a Welshman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.



He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship". As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.



Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Welshman and said to him,



"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Welshman.



With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Deed to goodness," said the castaway,



"that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" "



And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good old Hendrick's Gin?" asked the blonde.



Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.



He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Magic, real tidy!" shouted the Welshman. "'Due boyo it's truly fantastic!!!"



At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,



"And how long has it been since you played around?"



With tears in his eyes, the Welshman fell to his knees and sobbed,



"Bl**dy hell! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

[cster]

Well you can hope for mini putt putt at least.

[red750]

IS SEX WORK?



An Infantry Major was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Major decided to pose a question to all assembled.



He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"



A Captain chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.



A Lieutenant said it was 50-50%.



A 2nd Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.



There being no consensus, the Major turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee.



What was his opinion?



Without any hesitation, the young Private responded,

"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."



The Major was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?



"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the Officers would have me doing it for them."



The room fell silent. ....God Bless the lower ranks.

[red750]

ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:



This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office. 

Dear Sirs,



I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.



Do you guys do this by hand?



My birth date you have on my pension book.



It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.



It is on my National Health card.



My driving licence.



My car insurance.



On the last eight damn passports I've had.



It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.



All those insufferable census forms.



Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!



I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this ********!



You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!



What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?



Look at my damn picture.



Do I look like Bin Laden?



I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for **** sakes. I just want to go and park my **** on some sandy beach somewhere.



And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?



If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last ******* people I'd want to tell!



Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another ******* copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.



Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?



Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.



You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some ******** to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)



Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!



Signed



An Irate Citizen



P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?



Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...



I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.



However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..



WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!

[red750]

[madametarot]

Oct 16, 2016 7:24:36 GMT 10 red750 said:

The Button did not work - ah, it was worth a try.

[Zeta Puppis]

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"Well, I'm a panda," he says. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."