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Post by madametarot on Dec 8, 2016 18:20:17 GMT 10
Some more Dad's jokes. The sign said ties must be worn. All mine are near new. I've decided to sell my dead budgie. But I'm warning you, it won't go cheap. I was just watching a news report on some local floods here with film of women crying, and I thought to myself, you're not helping ..... A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, . . .'No change yet.' It was sooooooo cold here this morning,. . . that I saw a man from our local tax office walking around with his hands in his own pockets. . . . I fired my masseuse today. . . . She just rubbed me up the wrong way. Ninety eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. ....(Goes to get coat.) Good ice-breakers Peter. I like the one about the kid who swallowed a bullet. The Doc gave him some meds and said don't aim him at anyone on the way home.
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Post by cster on Dec 8, 2016 18:56:53 GMT 10
golfclap,,,,,,,,
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Post by red750 on Dec 10, 2016 20:41:21 GMT 10
Yesterday I went to Coles to buy cabbage. I was told that there is a new law that if you buy cabbage from Coles, you are legally required to buy carrots and mayonnaise as well.
Apparently it's Coles Law.
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Post by madametarot on Dec 11, 2016 13:07:39 GMT 10
I was watching the ladies cricket and there were 22 "no balls". That has to be "one out of the box". But it was a 20 ovaries match not a testical match. There was a collision too and someone "bowled a maiden over". The players were "well supported" with not much evidence of "bouncers" Attachment Deleted
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Post by red750 on Jan 3, 2017 21:25:47 GMT 10
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Post by cster on Jan 4, 2017 16:49:49 GMT 10
And eating too much coles law ha ha
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Post by cster on Mar 24, 2017 8:55:39 GMT 10
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' THIS STUDENT GOT AN A+
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Post by epictetus on Apr 4, 2017 11:27:25 GMT 10
A guy went into his Post Office last week to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
The guy replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then he says, "Disabled in your country's service!
Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points”. Okay.
Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan to start at 10:00 a.m. every
day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 a.m.
to 4:00 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in your coming in for that."
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Post by red750 on Apr 4, 2017 20:32:34 GMT 10
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones, they began to chat The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?', pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
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Post by cster on Apr 5, 2017 8:13:17 GMT 10
Hmm I might have a crack at the Flu shot instead. he he
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Post by madametarot on Apr 5, 2017 11:01:20 GMT 10
Hmm I might have a crack at the Flu shot instead. he he I had my flue jab today the smallest syringe and needle I have ever seen. My new diabetes meds Jardiance plus a bit more weight loss had my BP 112 over 65 so a change in BP meds was needed my HBA1c (roughly 3 month indicator of average blood sugar) was good 6.7 basically high normal for non- T2s. He redressed my leg wound and has reduced by 1/3 diameter in the 2 weeks, with some skin regrowth. So the only issue was the BP if it was any worse I could not have driven home. For any T2s reading Jardiance is the latest meds developed in Queensland and tests have indicated 30% less chance of heart attack and stroke (T2s are more likely to have heart attack or stroke.) I have other heart issues so Jardiance is good for me. Jardiance is proper meds not quackery. Jardiance, if you have good kidneys, lowers Blood sugar by taking high BS out of the blood stream and sending it to be discharged with our urine. This is different to all other T2 BS lowering meds so it can be combined with Metformin (what I do) Metformin lowers BS lower level. So I have Jardiance knocking down the after meal BS peaks fairly quickly then Metformin will keep working it down until my home BS test is in the low 8s until my next meal peak. I am on a modified carb diet so that helps the Peak BS too as well as keeping calories down. 3 1/2 years ago was about 114 KG and I went down to about 92 or 93 (my Gp said to stop losing weight because I was back to my long term weight) I was around that weight for 3 years. Now I am losing weight again on Jardiance so I am now down to about 88 kg. I expect to lose more as I am more active than I was for the last 10 weeks with my injured leg. I can afford to lose more weight and my GP said slow is good. Back to my GP in 3 months with lab test results. The moral to the story is weight loss is easy on a modified carbs diet and off the booze plus light exercise: my results are worth it because 3 1/2 years ago I was on total 130 units of insulin in 4 injections daily. Now I am on Jardiance (1 tab) + Metformin (4 tabs) and I have eliminated 1 blood pressure tab and the other blood pressure tab has a reduced dose. I hope that helps someone. Weight loss requires a mindset to eat no major carbs (= lots less calories) will get you losing weight straight away. We need some carbs long term for brain health but our "normal diet" is supercharged with carbs - check it out for yourselves. Fat is burnt and the carobon dioxide gas from the burning is breathed out when we exhale so fat loss/weigth loss is limited by breaths = not much more than 2kg per week. Learning to cook replacement meals for bread, pasta, rice, breakfast cereals, and potato is a good start, learning to cook with nut flours can be fun too, and Xanthan gum is worth looking into.
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Post by ducati on Apr 5, 2017 14:56:21 GMT 10
MadDameTarotta, I hope that you keep printing ALL YOUR posts, posted on the various Forums, and store them (safely & securely!!!)INSIDE your Time Skips!! It would a great loss (for OUR posteriors!!!) if some were lost...somewhere!! Keep producing posts!! I love those detailing various illnesses/operations/medications/doctors & professors professional opinions. Very interesting and challenging reading!!
Ducati & Pali
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Post by epictetus on Apr 5, 2017 21:02:44 GMT 10
You're doing well, Col. You'll outlive all of us.
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Post by cster on Apr 6, 2017 7:55:58 GMT 10
Going good Art. I'm about that mark these days, 6'2" and 17stone or there abouts. Make a good front rower. My last check was 4.9 was quite by accident, the little puppy my daughter has bit me, whilst bleeding freely the wife put the tester in it and I was half hers. Puppies are fun right? Winter will be upon us soon and so will the urge to eat oats, I suppose they're not big on your list of breaky foods.
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Post by madametarot on Apr 6, 2017 18:45:22 GMT 10
You're doing well, Col. You'll outlive all of us. Will I get a prize? Or is the prize loneliness.
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Post by madametarot on Apr 6, 2017 18:46:40 GMT 10
LOL 5 things Pete. I have stopped weighing myself too, every time I step back to get a better view the scales say zero, go figure. say! One at a time please.
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Post by epictetus on Apr 6, 2017 21:01:52 GMT 10
You're doing well, Col. You'll outlive all of us. Will I get a prize? Or is the prize loneliness. One of us has to turn out the lights.
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Post by red750 on Apr 9, 2017 10:41:55 GMT 10
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Post by red750 on Apr 12, 2017 7:20:17 GMT 10
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Post by epictetus on Apr 12, 2017 20:48:48 GMT 10
What happens next?
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Post by cster on Apr 13, 2017 8:14:15 GMT 10
Yes Yes next we try cement shoes to help the pesky human stay sunk. Become one with your marine environment little human. he he
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Post by madametarot on Apr 13, 2017 18:52:36 GMT 10
Sharks will not get me, I shower with the plug in.
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Post by epictetus on Apr 22, 2017 20:40:18 GMT 10
Commercial (British) for Walker's Poppadoms
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Post by epictetus on May 1, 2017 15:38:42 GMT 10
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week.
Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here"
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.
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Post by madametarot on May 1, 2017 16:17:25 GMT 10
A Junior Director was called into the board room and the Chairman asked him if at any time at work or after hours he had sex with Miss Watson a perky new admin clerk.
He adamantly denied it.
He was asked again to think carefully and answer the question again.
He adamantly denied it again.
"Good", said the CEO. "We have all had sex with her, so you can be the one to sack her."
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Post by madametarot on May 3, 2017 8:38:31 GMT 10
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Post by epictetus on May 4, 2017 8:21:19 GMT 10
Malevolent by Greek standards, not by Muslim ones. The God of the Qur'an, though frequently referred to as "compassionate", "merciful", etc. doesn't care who you are or what your excuse is; he'll consign you to the fire if you don't worship him and do what he says. Why shouldn't God be malevolent anyway if he wants to be? Schopenhauer saw God that way, as the one who created and presides over a natural world "red in tooth and claw". Buddhists see suffering as at the core of human and any living being's existence, but they don't propose a creator God at its source. As far as Muslims are concerned (and Orthodox Jews, I think), there is no morality other than what God wants and what God commands. This is also a question for Christians: Does God follow a moral law, which makes that law superior to God, or does morality consist in whatever God wants, even if he wants us to throw gays off hotel roofs, etc? This is the Euthyphro Dilemma. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euthyphro_dilemma
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Post by cster on May 4, 2017 18:25:12 GMT 10
Could a godless society create a moral society or can only a god create morals.
Well we created the gods so we can create the morals the gods need to be pious.
Trust the place of most religions to have trouble with it.
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Post by madametarot on May 5, 2017 9:39:40 GMT 10
Malevolent by Greek standards, not by Muslim ones. The God of the Qur'an, though frequently referred to as "compassionate", "merciful", etc. doesn't care who you are or what your excuse is; he'll consign you to the fire if you don't worship him and do what he says. Why shouldn't God be malevolent anyway if he wants to be? Schopenhauer saw God that way, as the one who created and presides over a natural world "red in tooth and claw". Buddhists see suffering as at the core of human and any living being's existence, but they don't propose a creator God at its source. As far as Muslims are concerned (and Orthodox Jews, I think), there is no morality other than what God wants and what God commands. This is also a question for Christians: Does God follow a moral law, which makes that law superior to God, or does morality consist in whatever God wants, even if he wants us to throw gays off hotel roofs, etc? This is the Euthyphro Dilemma. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euthyphro_dilemma Thanks Epic, methinks God Botherers should find a nicer invisible friend or a lower roof top.
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Post by red750 on May 9, 2017 18:53:43 GMT 10
SO, A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR …
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." “The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?” “What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. But I'm fine, really." “What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop.” "It was my first day with the hook."
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