|
Post by epictetus on Jul 8, 2018 20:25:03 GMT 10
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she
unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
|
|
|
Post by epictetus on Jul 23, 2018 4:24:12 GMT 10
Tom's scrotum
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.
|
|
|
Post by epictetus on Sept 7, 2018 9:50:50 GMT 10
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
|
|
|
Post by epictetus on Sept 21, 2018 6:14:53 GMT 10
Here we go again.......
LEXIPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile, of course! (A lover of words, especially in word games, puzzles, anagrams, etc.) . Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! . How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it . England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. . I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. . They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo. . I changed my iPod's name to Titanic It's syncing now. . Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. . I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. . I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. . This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. . When chemists die, they barium. . I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. . Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. . I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. . Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? . When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble . Broken pencils are pointless. . What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. . I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. . Velcro - what a rip off! . Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
|
|
|
Post by epictetus on Sept 23, 2018 14:13:58 GMT 10
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at Pizza Hut in Cornwall for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip to Toronto
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her
glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had
been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel
quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,
in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and
hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old
geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card".
|
|
|
Post by epictetus on Sept 25, 2018 5:47:23 GMT 10
An Irish daughter had not been home for over ten years .
Upon her return , her father yelled at her , "Where have ye been all this time ? Why did ye not write to us ? Not even a line . Why didn't ye call ? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru ?"
The girl , crying , replied , Sniff , sniff...."Dad..... I was too embarrassed , I became a prostitute ."
"Ye what !!? Get out of here , ye shameless hussy ! Sinner ! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family , so yer are ."
"OK , Daddy ... as ye wish ..." "I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat , a title deed to an eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque. For me little brother Seamus , this gold Rolex . And for ye Daddy , the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside , plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club .
She takes a breath and continues , "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean ."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become ?" says Daddy.
Girl , crying again , Sniff , sniff .... "A prostitute Daddy !" Sniff , sniff .
"Oh ! Be Jesus ! Ye scared me half to death girl ! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT . Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
|
|
|
Post by epictetus on Dec 17, 2018 10:59:12 GMT 10
For those who remember the great Jewish comedians - Groucho Marx, Milton Berle, Jack Benny, etc.
From the days when comedians were funny and people were more tolerant.
................................................................................................................................................
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic asks, "Are you comfortable?"
The man answers, "Yes, I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
"I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!"
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did."
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor replies, "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
Q: Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical or law school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son asked, "Why are you so weak?" She replied, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call!"
A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner: Take it or leave it.
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and insists, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?"
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days!"
"Force yourself!" she replied.
|
|
|
Post by epictetus on Dec 17, 2018 11:02:32 GMT 10
Last month, a worldwide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and Great Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
|
|
|
Post by Pali on Dec 21, 2018 4:21:13 GMT 10
Eh, YES, Epic!! Most of the jokes involving nationalities, do exist in many versions...according to the Nationality/Origin of OURSELVES and/or the origins of OUR CLOSE relatives or...the person that WE have married!! Pali did read 3 different versions of your latest joke,here is one of them: In Eastern Europe they didn't know what " pest " meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage of Refugees" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "invade Europe" meant.
In China ( And nearby Nations) they did know what " uin chy mu lou “ meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "explosions/blow-up" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. They did know “Por favor”!!
In the USA they did know what "the Best of the world" meant and WHO THEY are.
And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Italy and Great Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Chinese and African accents. Enjoy!!
|
|
|
Post by qjumper on Dec 21, 2018 9:57:44 GMT 10
Australians generally do not know what "bugger" really means. i think that is funny.
|
|
|
Post by cster on Dec 21, 2018 15:41:49 GMT 10
It means exactly what the dog said it meant in the Toyota add. Buggerer maybe what you are thinking of as in Buggerer of boys?
|
|
|
Post by cster on Dec 21, 2018 15:43:32 GMT 10
Or than Perhaps Proctology is a Bugger.
|
|
|
Post by Pali on Dec 22, 2018 5:15:16 GMT 10
Epic, YOU should write: THANK YOU to US!! We help YOU, to keep your/our posts VERY popular!!
|
|
|
Post by epictetus on Jan 11, 2019 5:26:59 GMT 10
A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill
The doctor checks him over and says, We'll have to do some blood tests. A day later the doctor rings him with the results. 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..' So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320 Then he gets the full house and wins $5000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting $780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? Do you know I've got Yellow 24'.
‘Bugger me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well !!!
|
|
|
Post by epictetus on Mar 4, 2019 21:01:07 GMT 10
|
|
|
Post by Pedro on Mar 5, 2019 4:55:37 GMT 10
THAT,Epic, VERY was funny!
THIS appeared on the Buenos Aires Free TV :
mail.googlse.com/mail/argentina/0?ui=2&ik=b7b7041d07&attid=0.1&permanentgid=msg-f:16273489815546097&th=16945db36vvviewgauchos=att&disp=safe&realcrapattid=16945d97589f2c29
It is not as funny but REALLY enjoyable!!!
|
|
|
Post by epictetus on Mar 25, 2019 16:46:27 GMT 10
NO SEX....SINCE 1955
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action"
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
"1955, ma'am"
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
|
|
|
Post by epictetus on Aug 28, 2019 5:52:22 GMT 10
Moishe Plotnik's Laundry
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners, etc.
Then he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'
"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered.
'How does that belong in Chinatown?'
He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball caps, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.'
The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back home.
Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?'''
The old man answered, "Ah..Evleebody ask me dat.
It name of owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked,
"Is he here now?"
"It me. Me him!" replied the old man.
"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?''
"It simple" said the old man.
"Many, many year ago I come to this country. I, standing in line at Document Center of Immiglation.
Man in front of me was man from Poland.'
Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What you name?' He (Polish man) say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sam Ting.'"
|
|
|
Post by red750 on Aug 31, 2019 19:59:02 GMT 10
A woman named Sophia arrives home from work and her husband Tony notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. Tony asks Sophia, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work.”
She asked, “Please get my bath ready babe, while I start our amazing dinner."
The next day, Sophia arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. And Tony asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work”.
She asked, “Please get my bath ready love, while I start the best dinner you have ever had."
The next day, her husband Tony notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" Sophia replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess?
Sophia asked, “Please get my bath ready darling, while I start your favourite dinner."
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the bathtub.
She yells to her husband Tony, "HEY HONEY! There's only an inch of water in the bathtub."
Tony replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."
|
|
|
Post by epictetus on Sept 18, 2019 9:47:31 GMT 10
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
*As Margaret Thatcher said: Both politicians and nappies need to be changed often and for the same reason!*
|
|
|
Post by red750 on Mar 18, 2020 14:12:56 GMT 10
I've just found out the reason why people are still panic-buying massive amounts of toilet paper.
If someone coughs in a crowded place, 100 people shXX themselves.
|
|
|
Post by red750 on Mar 18, 2020 14:19:31 GMT 10
This should keep those pesky door to door people away - Mormons, real estate agents, etc. - print large version and tape to your door.
|
|
|
Post by Grill on Mar 19, 2020 5:18:51 GMT 10
Red750, the reason of the need of so much toilet paper, COULD/MUST/MAY be : Most people are FULL of Smelly&Slippery material that MUST be defecated as soon as possible! Are Red750 AND Grill part of the Defecating Group? I do know that I am part of It/THEM!!!
|
|
|
Post by red750 on Mar 23, 2020 20:44:43 GMT 10
Ran out of toilet rolls, so have been reduced to replacing them with lettuce leaves. I really feel that is just the tip of the iceberg.
|
|
|
Post by Grill on Mar 24, 2020 5:12:28 GMT 10
Run out of sand paper rolls. Started to use Rusty barbed wire rolls, dipped in used engine oil!
|
|
|
Post by bejay on Jul 27, 2022 18:08:20 GMT 10
I can no longer afford date rolls so I installed a bidet.
|
|
|
Post by red750 on Apr 11, 2023 5:38:10 GMT 10
A young man with his pants hanging half off his bum, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque
. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi! You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive her around in his New Mercedes-Benz SEL, and he will supply your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas travels. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
|
|
|
Post by cster on Apr 11, 2023 6:55:53 GMT 10
Ah if only one was young.
|
|