Quickies

[red750]

Why are there so many female archeologists?

Because women love digging up the past.

[cster]

And they'll do anything for a bargain.

[madametarot]

Apr 6, 2017 7:55:58 GMT 10 cster said:

Going good Art. I'm about that mark these days, 6'2" and 17stone or there abouts. Make a good front rower.
My last check was 4.9 was quite by accident, the little puppy my daughter has bit me, whilst bleeding freely the wife put the tester in it and I was half hers.
Puppies are fun right?
Winter will be upon us soon and so will the urge to eat oats, I suppose they're not big on your list of breaky foods.

Thanks  Cster one off tests do not mean much.

All grains are sugar hits so my breakfast lately has been egg and tomato and a nutbar. The nut bars (Nice and Natural almond and choc)  are good and are only 11 carbs per bar so I can get away with that.

[epictetus]

- 📞Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google's pizza.
- So it's a wrong number? Sorry
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please
- Well sir, you want the usual?"
- The usual? You know me?👤
- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza🍕with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.
- OK! This is it ...
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato.🍅?
- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir."
- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line ☎with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza!,I already take medicine ...
-"Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.
- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It's not showing on your credit card statement 💳
- I paid in cash 💲
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement 📃
- I have have other source of cash 💲
- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.💰💰💰
-WHAT THE HELL?
"I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.❤❤❤
- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me
"I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 6 weeks ago.

[cster]

No wonder I don't go much for Pizza. ha ha ha

[red750]

I bought a thesaurus, but when I got it home, I found all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I was.

[cster]

Ha Ha, yep but just to be sure check that the front cover doesn't say sketch pad

[forge]

RED, that was well said/written!! Having a Blank Thesaurus could be very dis..appointing! To punish that academic unwritten affront, YOU could release, instead of the words, 3000 of your pictures of twin engines aircrafts with left wing painted bright red and light yellow!!
Forge

[red750]

Cop: Anything you say may be held against you.

Suspect: Titties.

[cster]

And isn't it amazing how fast that female constable's pen can scribble across her ticket book when ya do that.

[epictetus]

THIS COULD BE US SOMEDAY.

It already is.


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Nah, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'

’Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

'Because she can still drive!'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more........

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'




Now, before you ‘forget’, send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh!

[epictetus]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry:
'Pants.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

[donte]

[cster]

Seems to be the mood these days Donte'

[cster]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[epictetus]

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN
AND SEE A MOVIE.


THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,
"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?


THE OLD FARMER SAID,
"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.
WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATRE."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER
AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,
BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATRE.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED

ETHEL & MILDRED.

THE MOVIE STARTED
AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. .. ..
THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO
CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT
AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"ETHEL", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID ETHEL.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME
IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED ETHEL?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT",

WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID ETHEL..
"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"But this one is
EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

[red750]

An Aussie moves to London, where he has difficulty with some of the accents. He suffers a hearing problem so goes to have his ears checked.
The nurse cleans his ears, and says, "You need to put oil in your ears and your willy."
He says, "On my willy?"
The nurse says, "No, ann-u-ally"

[red750]

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring  their children along as well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.

The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.

I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

[cster]

Hmmm, Little ears, have a remarkable way of clearing the air, don't they. LOL

[red750]

Tesco's horse.

In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cooked burgers.
Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are “small amounts” of horse meat in their burgers.
Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK

Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the Internet

“I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.... I guess Tesco just listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ... I still have a bit between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco.Her condition is said to be stable.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF!"

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots....

[epictetus]

THE WI-FI CHURCH OF THE FUTURE

Pastor: “Praise the Lord!”

Congregation: “Hallelujah!”

Pastor: “Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Cor 13:13. And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon.”

pause …

“Now, let us pray committing this week into God’s hands. Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God”

silence …

“As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready.”“You can log on to the church wi-fi using the password ‘Lord909887.’”

The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:

Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.
Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.
Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cellphones to transfer your contributions to the church account.
The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!

Final Blessing and Closing Announcements…

This week’s ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages and Google hangouts where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don’t miss out.

Thursday’s Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don’t miss out.
You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers.
Don’t forget our weekly sermon uploads on YouTube.
God bless you and have nice day.

[cster]

So what is Sex?
Could it be answered by saying
Sex is a temptation
caused by a sensation
so a boy sticks his location
into a girls destination
it's called procreation
with little provocation
to increase the population
by creating the next generation
After such consternation
do you get my explanation
Or do you need a demonstration.

Spotted on farcebook

[red750]

Modern living.

      

[bluesky]

The Rabbit

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...

Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.

[epictetus]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, Katie’s grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning”.

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied her granny. “Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along”.

[epictetus]

[epictetus]

SIX OF THE BEST SMART ARSE ANSWERS

SMART ARSE ANSWER 6

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

"What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 5

A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"

The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ARSE ANSWER 4

The policeman got out of his car and the Teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window” I’ve been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.

The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 3

A truckie was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead."

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it ..

Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"

The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

SMART ARSE ANSWER 2

A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR

Telephone rings, woman answers.

Pervert, breathing heavily, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, I have. He's watching the rugby .... Who shall I say is calling?"

[Pedro]

A young man was driving a car on a steep mountain road. A man, driving a car in the opposite direction, slows down and screams "PIG"! 5 minutes later, the driver of another car, screams at him: "HOG"! 2 minutes later, the woman driver of another car, slows down and screams at him: " swine"! The man, annoyed, screams to the woman driver: " Stinking Prostitute". Just around the next bend of the road , the man driving up the mountain road, hits a large dead pig and damages the front & the left fender of his car.

[cster]

Yes Boom Boom and he should now call the NRMA and the ACA to deal with all of that.

[red750]

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